As a licensed psychotherapist specializing in sex and couples therapy, I listen to couples recount arguments they’ve had with their partner with confusion and a sense of hopelessness throughout their weekly sessions. 

Some feel emotionally and physically disconnected from their partners while juggling the demands of parenting, careers, and busy schedules.

Many of them struggle with intimacy issues such as performance anxiety which can lead to erectile dysfunction, premature ejaculation, or painful intercourse, all which cause a decreased desire for physical intimacy. 

Most couples deeply want to understand the root of their struggles and find a meaningful solution. 

Yet, in their effort to dissect the issue—endlessly discussing, analyzing, and searching for answers—the stress only intensifies, leaving them more frustrated and emotionally drained.

Frustration then breeds avoidance, distraction, or outright denial. The problem lingers, unresolved. 

And when the topic inevitably resurfaces, it often triggers yet another argument—one that doesn’t resolve anything, but instead reinforces the very cycle they’re trying to escape.

So, why can’t couples find peaceful resolutions despite their numerous efforts to change this repetitive negative cycle of communication? 

The answer lies in understanding and harnessing the ability to regulate your emotions. 

Really? Regulating emotions? That sounds like a bunch of psychobabble…

Emotional regulation isn't just trendy jargon—it’s a concept widely embraced by mental health and trauma-informed professionals, backed by years of research on the brain and interpersonal relationships. 

That’s why I’m diving into the actual science (with links to back it up) —so you can learn how mastering emotional regulation is the key ingredient to life-long, effective communication with your partner. 

What is emotional regulation? 

Emotional regulation describes “a person’s ability to effectively manage and respond to an emotional experience.” It is one of the key components of emotional intelligence and possibly, the most important one. 

Unfortunately, many of us were never taught healthy emotional regulation growing up. 

If we grew up being told to “suck it up” or had our emotions dismissed or ignored by parents or peers, we likely struggle with emotional dysregulation in relationships. 

Conflict with a partner can feel high-stakes, triggering fears of abandonment or unworthiness. 

In response, we may resort to people-pleasing or avoidance, hoping issues will resolve on their own. 

Yet, when they inevitably resurface, we feel lost and defeated, unsure how to navigate the cycle, let alone resolve the problem. 

Communication becomes fueled with tension, resentment, and unspoken expectations. 

We become disconnected and detached from our partner and wait too long to take action. 

Why Is Emotional Regulation Essential for Healthy, Lasting Relationships?

When we become emotionally dysregulated, our logical brain goes offline, and our primal brain takes over. 

The primal brain’s sole focus is survival, which means rational thinking and logical interpretation are momentarily inaccessible.

As Deborah Fox, MSW, explains, “When we are highly emotional, our nervous system becomes charged, which compromises our ability to clearly absorb what others are saying.” 

Which makes communication difficult, especially in moments of conflict. 

For those with a history of trauma, this response can be even more complex. 

Traumatic memories are stored not just in the brain but also in the body, and they often resurface in the present, even when triggered by seemingly unrelated situations. 

Because these memories are stored in implicit memory—meaning we recall them without conscious awareness—we may not recognize how our past experiences are shaping our current reactions. 

Since our past experiences and traumas can deeply impact how we communicate with our partners, learning to regulate our emotions is essential. 

It creates a foundation for truly hearing and connecting with our partner—perhaps for the first time.

And acknowledging and validating our partner is crucial for transforming conflict into resolution.

3 Strategies to break the cycle of conflict: 

Step 1: Learn how to identify your emotional states

The first step in mastering emotional intelligence is recognizing our emotions. 

By identifying exactly what we're feeling, we can better understand its impact and then work on developing strategies for effective emotional regulation.

You can easily practice identifying your emotions in everyday moments. 

For instance, when a coworker or friend asks how you're feeling, instead of defaulting to “fine,” take a moment to check in with your body. 

Are your shoulders relaxed, or do you feel tense and rigid? Are you breathing deeply, or are your breaths short and shallow?

Once you’ve tuned into your body and its sensations, find emotional language that resonates with your experience. 

The more you practice this awareness in daily interactions, the easier it becomes to bring this skill into deeper conversations with your partner.

If you need help, check out this article that provides an easy guideline for practicing emotional identification. 

Step 2: Learn distress tolerance 

Distress tolerance is another essential part of emotional regulation. 

It involves gradually increasing your ability to sit with uncomfortable emotions before turning to a distraction, shutting down, or having an angry outburst. 

For example, instead of immediately yelling at the driver in the car that just cut you off, take some long, deep breaths while reminding yourself that you have no idea what emotional state the driver is in or what they’ve experienced today. 

Maybe they have a loved one in the hospital. Or maybe they just got their license and are nervous driving on the interstate.

With practice, you’ll find yourself able to endure these moments for longer periods, which strengthens your resilience. 

And over time, mastering distress tolerance will allow you to navigate overwhelming emotions with greater ease and regain a sense of calm more quickly.

Step 3: Incorporate deep breathing into your daily routine

Yes, deep breathing may also be trendy, but for good reason. 

Research shows that slow, deep breaths activate mind-body systems that enhance relaxation, focus, and emotional balance while reducing stress, anxiety, and anger.

To reap the benefits, simply exhale longer than you inhale. 

Make deep breathing a habit whenever you feel overwhelmed or out of sync. It’s such an easy way to practice emotional regulation on a consistent basis. 

For more ways to incorporate deep breathing into your daily routine, check out this article.

Final Thoughts...

I hope the simple strategies I’ve outlined here will help you learn how to start regulating your emotions during moments of distress or conflict with your partner. 

Mastering this skill can greatly improve your romantic and personal relationships, serving as a key step toward healthy communication, effective problem-solving, and mutually satisfying resolutions.

However, it’s not the only ingredient for long-lasting effective communication.

To learn the whole process, check out our article that discusses the BRIDGE technique we developed and use with our clients at RISE.

Or, schedule a consultation with us today to take advantage of one of our customized programs. 

We can’t wait to meet you! 

References:

Rolston, A. & Lloyd-Richardson, E., What is Emotion Regulation and how do we do it?, Cornell Research Program on Self-Injury and Recovery, 1-5. https://www.selfinjury.bctr.cornell.edu/perch/resources/what-is-emotion-regulationsinfo-brief.pdf

The Emily Program. 2019. How to Introduce Deep Breathing Into Your Daily Routine. https://emilyprogram.com/blog/how-to-introduce-deep-breathing-into-your-daily-routine/

Administration for Children and Families. Co-Regulation in Practice. Strategies for Practitioners Who Serve Youth 14-24. https://acf.gov/sites/default/files/documents/opre/SARHM_Co-Regulation_Breathe_to_Focus_Module.pdf

Reeves, A., DSN. 2005. Emotional Intelligence: Recognizing and Regulating Emotions. AAOHN Journal, 53(4), 172-176. https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/pdf/10.1177/216507990505300407



Dialectical Behavior Therapy. 2025. What is Emotion Regulation? https://dialecticalbehaviortherapy.com/emotion-regulation/#:~:text=Emotion%20Regulation%20vs.&text=Emotion%20Regulation%20is%20more%20about,emotions%20but%20in%20different%20ways.