As a licensed psychotherapist specializing in sex and couples therapy, I frequently get referrals from other therapists who want me to work with their clients on challenges related to sexual intimacy. 

It makes sense, as therapists we were never trained in graduate school on how to navigate the sexual challenges of our clients. 

And, depending on what modality of therapy we were trained in, we may have learned that fixing the other problems in relationships outside of sex must occur first before tackling any concerns with physical intimacy. 

On top of that, therapists are also victims of social conditioning (just like you) which sends us all sorts of confusing and toxic messages about sex. 

Familial, social, and spiritual beliefs also play a part in how therapists think and feel about sex and manage these beliefs as they work as a guide for couples in therapy. 

However, as a sex therapist, I was trained that addressing sexual issues first helps tackle and overcome other relationship challenges, since a healthy sex life serves as the foundation for overall intimacy by improving trust and communication. 

Working on sexual challenges should include addressing ineffective communication, developing conflict resolution skills, learning sensuality techniques, improving trust, and enhancing emotional connection.

Using mindfulness exercises to learn how to be present in your body instead of ruminating on anxious thoughts during sex can be the key to opening a gateway of pleasure for you, while also enhancing your partner’s. 

In other words, the problem with sex is rarely about the act of sex. Rather, it almost always includes tackling anxiety, stress, trust, communication, and again, our social, familial, and spiritual conditioning. 

Here are 3 reasons you should see a couples therapist trained in sex therapy

Reason 1: Your communication frequently results in conflict without resolution

Almost every couple I work with needs help with communication. This may include difficulty sharing thoughts and feelings, or discussing needs and desires. It may also include avoiding hard conversations, people pleasing, or yelling and shutting down. 

Luckily, there are ways to navigate these challenges, while learning how to communicate in a way that emphasizes connection, and gain resolution while preventing resentments. 

At RISE, I teach the BRIDGE Communication Technique that I developed using the latest research in trauma-informed sex and couples therapy.

BRIDGE stands for: 

• B: Begin with consent
• R: Regulate emotions
• I: Identify and validate 
• D: Develop a plan for breaks
• G: Guide conflict resolution
• E: End with reconnection 

The concept of "BRIDGE" represents building a pathway to stronger communication and deeper connection, that is particularly useful in moments of conflict.

With BRIDGE, we start by checking in with our partner to see if they’re in a good space mentally and physically to engage in a productive conversation with us. 

We do this in order to offer consent and ensure we’re not having hard conversations when anyone feels hungry, tired, or stressed. 

When our basic needs such as hunger and sleep haven’t been met, our cognitive function is impaired and we have difficulty soothing ourselves when distressed. 

We’re more likely to react impulsively because of our impaired judgment and we may say things we later regret. 

The biggest mistake I see couples make with communication is the inability to regulate their emotions (or self-soothe) during tense moments, resulting in negative reactions such as shouting, name calling, criticism, defensiveness, or shutting down. 

When these perceived threats trigger our bodies, survival instincts take over, activating fight, flight, freeze, or fawn responses, making a break essential before continuing the conversation. 

Many couples struggle to resolve conflicts because they lack the skills to pause and reset. Taking breaks during heated moments and practicing emotional regulation helps calm the nervous system, restoring clarity and fostering productive communication.

Once you and your partner have taken time to regulate your bodies and return to a calm state, effective conflict resolution skills will guide you toward a positive outcome.

BRIDGE provides a practical framework for effective communication, equipping you with lifelong skills for managing conflicts and fostering meaningful conversations, which empowers you to navigate and overcome any challenges you face as a couple.

Ending the process with reconnecting emotionally and/or physically will help you and your partner exchange a moment of intimacy that also serves to regulate your nervous systems. 

Options for reconnecting are long hugs, kissing, cuddling, massages, eye gazing, words of affirmation, or exchanges of gratitude. 

You can also ask your partner when they feel emotionally secure with you and if they desire physical touch after conflicts. 

Reason 2: There’s a problem with sex 

The majority of couples I work with are looking for help with feeling low or no sexual desire and/or feelings of rejection. 

Low sexual desire can stem from various factors, including stress, anxiety, difficulty communicating preferences, emotional disconnection, exhaustion, certain medications, poor sleep, or challenges like inability to orgasm.

All of these experiences are normal but won’t change if you don’t know how to talk to your partner about what you’re thinking and feeling when sex is on the table. 

As a result, not talking about it will inevitably end with one or both people feeling resentful due to a lack of resolution.

There are many ways you can learn to become comfortable talking about your sexual preferences and how you do and don’t want to receive bids for intimacy and connection from your partner. 

Start by exploring your desires and the barriers to feeling them. Understanding your partner’s turn-ons and turn-offs can also be helpful. 

Prioritize providing acknowledgment and validation to your partner before problem-solving, and approach solutions with openness and vulnerability.

Reason 3: You’re “pushing through” sex or faking orgasms

You’ve probably noticed how often I emphasize communication. I firmly believe that when couples learn to communicate with acknowledgment, validation, and curiosity—even when perspectives differ—they can resolve most challenges they face together.

Conflicts between couples are rarely about the content of the argument, but rather, usually occur due to how we react to our partners during tense moments. 

Every week in therapy, I hear women complain about “pushing through” sex or faking orgasms.

Many women believe that having sex with their partners on a regular basis is their duty as a good wife or partner. They also believe that sex is an obligation they agreed to when entering a marriage or exclusive partnership.

Regardless of your beliefs, sex out of obligation or duty is rarely enjoyable or fulfilling. It leads to more disconnection and resentment, and continues to foster the idea that one person’s pleasure (typically the male’s) is more important than the others. 

Sometimes this occurs due to a person’s inability to obtain an orgasm. I’ve worked with women from the ages of 20 to 60 who have never had an orgasm, so if this is you, you’re not alone! 

But, achieving orgasm, even after years of trying, is possible! And, it’s one of my favorite things to teach as a sex therapist. 

This work doesn’t involve any touch on my part (yes, you can teach this skill without having to touch clients), but rather involves providing education while teaching specific mindfulness techniques including Sensate Focus. 

Once my clients learn how to take control of their ability to receive pleasure, they often become excited for sex and even discover ways to “spark” their desire that were unknown to them before. 

As a result, their sexual desire for their partner increases, and they feel equipped with communicating their preferences and achieving pleasure. 

However, this is only possible if you know how to communicate effectively with your partner, feeling both safe and confident enough to initiate difficult conversations.

The first step you should take…

If you have difficulty communicating with your partner or are “pushing through” sex, seek out a couples therapist who specializes in sex therapy. 

And remember, whoever you are and whatever gets you off (or turns you off), RISE is here to help you make sense of it, explore the depths & details, and learn how to talk about it with the people who matter, so you can create the life you want.

Contact RISE today to schedule your complimentary 30 minute consultation to see if we’re a good fit for helping you obtain the relationship you’ve always desired!