Your wedding day…the finality of planning for months, full of family and friends celebrating the union with your soulmate. But after all the planning for your big day ends and the honeymoon is over, what keeps the passion and deep emotional connection alive for the long haul? 

Many couples I see feel a level of exhaustion after the wedding. For months, they’ve been working hard to land “the one.” The chase and subsequent triumph of finding their life partner ends, with the belief that the hard work is over. They have the partner they’ve always dreamed of. Marriage was the end game. Now they can relax.

But this mindset fuels the beginning of emotional and physical disconnection. Relationships take constant nurturing, especially marriages. Comfort can lead to boredom and resentment along with avoiding hard conversations.

So, how can you keep the passion and emotional connection alive in your marriage? 

Here are the three biggest mistakes I see couples make after marriage and ways you can prevent them. 

Mistake 1: Lack of shared domestic chores and caretaking duties

No doubt you’ve heard it’s important to share domestic chores and caretaking duties with your partner. But why is this so important? 

Research shows that couples who share domestic chores report higher satisfaction in their marriages. When chores aren’t shared, one partner can be left feeling alone, manipulated, taken advantage of, disrespected, and burnt out. These feelings lead to resentment. And resentment is the slippery slope towards divorce. 

Most couples I see report experiencing feelings of resentment towards their partners, but are unsure how to tackle this uncomfortable feeling. Additionally, they don’t know how to initiate a difficult conversation or even ask for help in a way that won’t provoke conflict. 

The Fix

First, you should discuss how you and your partner feel about handling domestic chores and caring for kids or sick family members before you get married. 

Your conversation should focus on promoting equality between the two of you instead of leaning on gender norms or considering paid work as the only valuable work being performed in a marriage. 

Running a household and raising children requires dedicated time and energy away from nurturing your romantic relationship, so creating a plan that promotes equality is essential. 

You can start by writing down all the household responsibilities as well as any responsibilities with kids or other family members. Categorize this list into daily duties, weekly duties, and monthly duties. 

Have a discussion about who is responsible for what task. For daily tasks, be sure that you schedule 1-2 hours of time together at the end of each night to connect both emotionally and physically. 

Quick tip: Physical connection doesn’t only mean intercourse. Cuddling, holding hands, and long hugs are equally as important. 

Mistake 2: Emotional and physical intimacy is no longer a priority

Speaking of scheduling time for connecting emotionally and physically, research shows that, “higher rates of sexual activity are linked to positive changes, such as lower blood pressure, reduced stress, greater intimacy, and even a lower divorce rate.” 

Unfortunately, many married women I see start feeling like sex is an obligation or an item to check off their to-do list, while many men I see complain of getting rejected by their partners and feeling like the passion has faded from their relationship. 

If this describes your marriage, it makes sense if connecting on a deeper level is something you avoid or feel resentment towards. Pressure to have sex and initiate sex is common, but most couples don’t know how to fix it. 

If you feel pressure to have sex often or perform in a specific way, the first step is to look inward, and ask yourself if you have trouble expressing your needs or if you feel dismissed or ignored by your partner when you do. 

You should also evaluate what gets you excited for sex and if you experience any barriers to sex. Are you missing foreplay? Do you go through the same routine every time? Is your and your partner’s pleasure prioritized, or are you suffering from the orgasm gap? Are you unsure how to please your partner, provide them feedback, or ask for something different? 

These questions can help you better understand what to focus on when you discuss sex and pleasure with your partner. If a strong emotional connection is also important to you, you should add in questions around cultivating emotional intimacy as well. 

Some examples are, what helps you feel emotionally secure? How does your partner feel emotionally secure? What activities or behaviors from your partner help you feel loved and appreciated? Is there anything you’d like more or less of when it comes to sharing vulnerabilities? 

If navigating these conversations sounds difficult or you’re not used to initiating conversations around sex and emotions, learning how to communicate in an effective and structured way can help. 

The Fix

Most of us know that it’s important to communicate more, but we didn’t learn how to do it in a way that leads to better understanding, feeling seen and heard by our partners, and coming to resolutions that lead to connection instead of resentment. 

For this reason, I teach my clients a step by step process for effective communication, which I developed using research on evidence-based practices in the fields of trauma and relationship counseling. 

I then incorporated insights and feedback from my clients as well as my own personal experiences of being a trauma survivor who once experienced low sexual desire before I did this type of work. 

My process includes teaching you how to: 

• Initiate uncomfortable conversations
• Effectively regulate your emotions 
• Feel seen and heard by your partner 
• Create a plan of action for when triggers occur during conflict
• Develop conflict resolution skills that build connection and prevent resentments
• Co-regulate and reconnect after difficult conversations

My clients continue to tell me that learning how to communicate this way has not only led to less conflict, but also to feeling more excited for sex and experiencing deeper emotional connection with their partner. 

If you want to learn how to use my communication technique to help your relationship, head over to my website  now and book a complimentary consultation with me.

Mistake 3: You never learned how to regulate your nervous system

I’ll admit, this isn’t only an issue after marriage, but can be present before you say “I do.” However, if you’ve never learned how to adequately regulate your nervous system, it’ll be imperative you do once you’re married. 

What does regulating your nervous system mean and why is it so important? A dysregulated nervous system often looks like someone yelling, or following you around during arguments, but it can also be someone shutting down and abruptly ending conversation with you, or even physically leaving the room. 

Regardless of the way it shows up, this happens when our nervous system becomes overwhelmed by a trigger and goes into fight, flight, or freeze mode in an attempt to protect us and help us survive the triggering situation. 

Most of us know what it feels like to have a dysregulated nervous system, but many of us still haven’t learned what to do when this happens, especially in the midst of a high-stakes conversation with our lover. 

If you’re willing to put in the work to learn how to “regulate” or self-soothe your nervous system after experiencing a trigger, you will drastically improve the quality of your marriage. 

The Fix

Learning how to regulate your nervous system requires multiple steps but once accomplished, this skill will benefit all your important relationships and improve your overall well being. 

The first step is cultivating conscious awareness of your internal bodily sensations. Do you notice when you’re hungry, tired, or experiencing various emotions such as loneliness? 

If you have difficulty noticing your sensations and emotions, you can use meditation and breath work to obtain this skill. 

Once you accomplish this, learning to recognize signs of emotional escalation or dysregulation will help you know when to calm your nervous system.



If you become dysregulated during conflicts and this prevents you from using in-the-moment skills such as deep breathing to remain calm, take a break and lean on alternate coping skills. 

Some examples are yoga, exercise, getting adequate amounts of sleep, listening to music, dancing, journaling, painting, doing a puzzle, gardening, and taking your dog for a walk. 

Additionally, collaborating with a therapist specializing in somatic experiencing, trauma, and attachment theory can be incredibly valuable.

Final Thoughts 

All relationships take consistent, dedicated work to nurture your friendship, emotional connection, and obtain life-long fulfilling intimacy. 

Ensure you don’t fall into a pattern of inequality, routines, or frequent unresolved conflicts, in order to keep your relationship passionate and peaceful. 

The biggest piece of advice I can give you as a couples therapist is to always approach your partner with a mindset of curiosity and ensure conflicts are quickly resolved in order to prevent stubborn resentments. 

For additional guidance, schedule your complimentary consultation with us at our website now!