As a licensed psychotherapist and survivor of childhood sexual abuse, I understand the impacts trauma has on our sexual identity and how this affects our future views on partnered sex. 

Suffering years of betrayal, confusion, gaslighting, and denial, amongst violent and emotional abuse, can cause your brain and body to view sex as dangerous, often leading to avoidance of physical intimacy altogether. 

When this happens, our brain attempts to protect us in ways we used when we experienced the traumatic event. 

One of the most common ways our brain does this is through dissociation, which allows us to “step outside ourselves” versus being fully present during the traumatic event.

Unfortunately, dissociation during sex can lead to a lack of pleasure since it’s nearly impossible to have an orgasm if you’re not present in your body to feel sensations and connect with your partner.

While orgasms aren’t the only pleasurable experience we have during sex, learning how to be fully present in our bodies will lead to more pleasurable sex. 

Even if you’re not experiencing dissociation during sex, you may be avoiding sex due to fear or lack of trust in sexual experiences. 

Your partner may end up feeling like you aren’t attracted to them or be confused why you continue to reject their bids for intimacy. 

Avoidance feels like a good alternative when you have no other option, but it will  only provide a temporary fix. 

Knowing that dissociation and avoidant behaviors occur frequently in survivors of sexual trauma, how can you learn to be excited for sex again, while feeling safe enough to remain present in your body so you can experience pleasure? 

Step 1: Trauma Therapy

Depending on how much work you’ve done processing your trauma, seeking out the guidance and support of a trauma-informed psychotherapist can help you heal from sexual trauma. 

I’d encourage you to find a therapist that is trained in both cognitive and somatic therapies. 

Cognitive therapies tackle dysfunctional thought patterns and help you reframe these narratives by creating more helpful and realistic ones.

Somatic therapies tackle the unprocessed emotions that are stored on a cellular level in our bodies. 

Since research shows that trauma is stored in the cells of our bodies, cognitive interventions alone will not provide holistic (or whole body) healing.

Healing from trauma consists of 3 main steps:

1. Establishing safety and ensuring stabilization
2. Processing traumatic events and grieving what you lost using cognitive and somatic interventions 
3. Creating a new sense of self and vision for the future (also known as the reconnection and integration phase) 

Step 2: Sex-Positive Education

After you’re feeling safe with your partner and being present in your body is tolerable, receiving sex education from a trained sex therapist/coach can further accelerate your healing. 

Sex therapists engage in a sex-positive mindset, with the belief that everyone deserves to experience pleasure as long as there is enthusiastic consent amongst all parties. 

A sex therapist can provide you with insights on how societal conditioning, religious upbringing, and/or the beliefs of your caregivers impact the way you view and experience pleasure. 

Gaining a better understanding of the power dynamics of sex that are present in our culture and how religious, educational, and familial systems highly impact the perception we have of ourselves as sexual beings, can lead to feeling empowered and more confident to engage in sex, while establishing boundaries that encourage ongoing consent. 

Once this occurs, you’re ready to move on to creating a new sex life with your partner! 

Step 3: Couples Therapy

Working with a sex therapist along with your partner will help you both:

• Gain skills and insights about your attachment styles
• Learn how to communicate effectively during conflict
• Become comfortable with discussing your sexual desire (or lack thereof)
• Work as a team to create a new and exciting sexual template for your relationship 

A word on the importance of communication…learning that effective communication is critical for the longevity of romantic relationships is not enough. 

You must also learn how to be comfortable initiating difficult conversations, sitting with your emotions when tensions run high, or having a plan of action for taking breaks and returning to the conversation when everyone feels calm.

This process will lead to feelings of connection rather than resentment. You should also include learning how to acknowledge and validate your partner’s experience before you try to fix or solve any problems. 

Creating a way to co-regulate during conflict and having a plan for reconnection afterwards are also instrumental in setting up your relationship for long-term success. 

Along with learning how to manage your attachment styles and how to effectively communicate, sex therapists can provide exercises to help you and your partner discover what sparks your sexual desire and what dampens it.

Once you learn how to communicate effectively, you will no longer fear approaching your partner about uncomfortable conversations, including ones around sex. 

Ultimately, we want to have just as many conversations about the exciting and positive aspects of sex as we do about the “problem” with sex. 

In fact, renowned relationship researcher, John Gottman, observed that “couples in happy, stable marriages express positive feelings and actions towards each other about five times as often as they express negative ones.” 

Start your healing journey today!

Learning how to feel safe and comfortable again after sexual trauma is possible. Following the steps above will help you start making progress and reconnecting with your body and partner. 

If you need help on your healing journey, contact a therapist at RISE today. We love helping you regain pleasure after trauma!