As a licensed psychotherapist specializing in sex and relationships, I work with clients every week who tell me they feel more like roommates than romantic partners.

They wonder if the passion and excitement they once felt for intimacy is lost forever and if feeling like best friends rather than lovers will be their new norm.

The good news is that you can reignite the “spark” in your relationship. The more challenging news is that it will take dedicated time, energy, and work to recultivate passion and excitement for intimacy, but ultimately, it’s worth it!

Step 1: Understanding Sexual Desire

How do you bring passion back into a long-term committed relationship? It starts with an understanding of each person’s sexual desire. 

You’ll want to gain a better understanding of what ignites your sexual desire and also what barriers you face. You’re not alone if you don’t know the answer to these right now, so don’t worry!

Some ways to discover what sparks your sexual desire are to masturbate regularly, complete a yes, no, maybe list with your partner, or try sensate focus.

Cultivating a regular masturbation routine that focuses on exploring your body and discovering how to bring yourself pleasure, instead of adding pressure by focusing on achieving orgasm, is a great way to learn what gets you excited for partnered sex. 

A yes, no, maybe list provides you with an extensive list of various types of affection, foreplay, sex, and/or kinks you can think about and decide if you want to include these during intimacy, if you’re unsure, or if it’s a definite no. 

After you complete the list, you can schedule a time with your partner to discuss where you align and discover new and exciting things to add to your sexual repertoire. 

Sensate focus is a way for you and your partner to explore each other’s bodies slowly and with the intention to learn what types of touch feel good without the added pressure of sex as an outcome. This exercise also helps you get out of your head and into your body so you can more easily access pleasure. 

After you have a better understanding of what sparks your sexual desire, you’ll want to better understand what barriers you face. 

If you noticed how I discussed preventing “pressure” in the examples above, it’s because experiencing pressure around sex is one of the biggest barriers to sexual desire. In fact, it can cause the inability to get or maintain an erection for men and pain during sex for women. 

Pressure to have sex or perform sex in a specific way, as well as feeling obligated to have sex with your partner, will only decrease your sexual desire. 

Pressure, obligation, and expectations around sex are not only some of the biggest barriers towards intimacy, but they’re also not sexy. 

They can lead to feelings of resentment and unhealthy communication patterns which will add to feeling even more disconnected in your romantic relationships.

Step 2: Learn A Structured Way to Implement Effective Communication

What does it mean to implement a structured way of communicating and why is this important?

Many of my clients tell me they’ve been in couples counseling before where the therapist’s primary focus was on the importance of effective communication.

But then they complain of repeated unsuccessful attempts when trying to communicate more effectively with their partner. 

This is typically because they only learned that it’s important to communicate more, but they didn’t learn how to do it in a way that leads to better understanding, feeling seen and heard by their partner, and coming to resolutions that lead to connection instead of resentment.  

For this reason, I teach a step by step process for effective communication which I developed using research on evidence-based practices in the fields of trauma and relationship counseling. 

I then incorporated insights and feedback from my clients as well as my own personal experiences of being a trauma survivor who once experienced low sexual desire before I did this type of work. 

My process includes teaching you how to: 

• Initiate uncomfortable conversations
• Effectively regulate your emotions 
• Feel seen and heard by your partner 
• Create a plan of action for when triggers occur during conflict
• Develop conflict resolution skills that build connection and prevent resentments
• Co-regulate and reconnect after difficult conversations

My clients continue to tell me that learning how to communicate this way has not only led to less conflict, but also to feeling more excited for sex and experiencing deeper emotional connection with their partner.

Step 3: Combine Steps 1 & 2

Finally, combining your knowledge of sexual desire with effective communication skills will help you incorporate a habit of talking comfortably about sex on a regular basis.

Research shows that couples who talk about sex often have more frequent and more fulfilling sex lives. 

There are so many things you can discuss when it comes to what each of you want, what you desire, what you fear or feel nervous about, what you’d like to try, and how you feel about your sexuality.

Not all conversations about sex should focus on “the problem with sex.” Instead, engage in a mindset of eternal curiosity with your partner and how you can build a life together that includes true understanding with long-lasting emotional and sexual connection. 

If you’re interested in learning how to experience a more fulfilling emotional and sexual connection with your partner, schedule a complimentary consultation with a RISE therapist by heading over to our website now!